my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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