I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
