What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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