I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
