Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i came on her dog
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
