Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
