in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
organizing the empties. That sober.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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