U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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