Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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