Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
