if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
