is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
