watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
