I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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