I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
