Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
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