there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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