Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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