I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
