Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Life is so much better after having sex.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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