Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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