girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
