I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
