She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
