Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
