some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
