I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
