I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
