i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
