how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
