Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
