I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
As shirtless as possible
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
