Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we're making bets on your personal life
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
