grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
