im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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