In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
