A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
