The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
