Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
