If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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