if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
