wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
