I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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