WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
