Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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