Banned from zoo.
Again?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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