How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
