that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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