if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
