got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Ketchup is God's man juice
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
