Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize