What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Randomize
