if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
