I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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