Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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