dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
