Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
