It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
