some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
