He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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