I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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