guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Randomize
