i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
