You work out of a Hotel?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
